Thursday, March 22, 2018

Rest In Peace, Mom.


My mom died today ... I'm trying to find words, when even the feelings are foreign to me. I've never felt hurt like this before. A lot of things don't feel fair at times in our lives, mostly it's our own preparation, decisions that could have gone another way or just a stroke of bad luck - it comes and goes. This, is something else. My mom was perfectly healthy a month ago. Yes, she had physical pain, but the same residual pain she's had since the 90s when we were both struck by a truck on a street corner in Queens. I mean healthy in terms of her vital signs and body operating as it should. An infection was introduced to her body and she got sick, she spent a month fighting it in the hospital and today we pulled the plugs. She'd had too many strokes & it was at a point where he her heart and her lungs were causing her more pain than I could watch her experience. I can't lie, she was afraid; I saw the fear in her eyes and I cried uncontrollably until her fear turned to strength and she swallowed it to say it'd be okay. But it's not. Something feels broken inside me. This whole ordeal tested my faith to new limits, and has left me even more confused in the end... I know that life must go on; it's a natural part of life, but the details I'm leaving out are what make this hard to swallow. I dunno what happens next, but this is probably the last I'll speak of it here. I love you, Mom. Rest In Peace. I'll see you when I get there. It's just me, Janeane and the kids now.